My Top Three Eye-Opening Life Lessons

Zoe Duce - Co-Founder of Sunday Luxe

I think I’ve learned more about myself and the world in the last 5 years than I have in my entire adult life, or perhaps I’m just more attune to what is happening within and also all around me.

I guess my first lesson centres heavily around just that – learning about yourself so that you can understand why you feel a certain way about what is happening in your external world.

I used to think learning about yourself was a vanity trip and an exercise in self-indulgence if I’m entirely honest. A few close friends and my now husband in particular used to engage in all sorts of personality tests, research and other explorations into why they behaved the way they did. I, on the other hand knew what I was good at, knew what I was bad at, what made me happy or sad and I didn’t need to understand the why behind it. That’s just the way I was. And it worked. I’d progressed and succeeded all throughout my twenties – meeting my husband, getting a good job, living in London, promotion, promotion, promotion, buying a flat, getting married, promotion and then what I thought was another progression – moving to New York.

On paper it was great – we lived in amazing apartment in New York, my husband had a great job but I struggled to find work and although it was just a few months it felt like years. I was in a new city, mainly on my own (with my husband at work or often away on business). I just felt a wave of sadness, I felt it all the time and I felt it so deeply that at one point I honestly thought I’d be stuck that way forever. I had no idea why and no idea how to get out of it, I was really frightened.

Over the next year the black hole started to open up, we travelled at weekends, I got a job, we saw friends, we explored. But the sadness was still there in the background, like a dull ache that sometimes came back with a sharp stab for seemingly no reason at all. My generic google-result-driven remedies hadn’t worked a bit; working out, nice candles, the calm app, watching puppy videos. They just made me feel better for the short time I was doing that particular activity.

My last resort was learning about myself and I only really did it because I was desperate and at my wits end. I started going to therapy (terrible for the first six months and again I only persevered because I was desperate) which actually forced me to learn about myself and why I behaved and felt the way I felt. Once I had the techniques, every time I started to feel a certain way I could actually take note of why that was happening and either adjust or sometimes, still go through the emotion anyway (but at least I could understand why).

There have been more bumps in the road since then but the things I’ve learned (and now take time to actually understand) help so much. I am no longer scared of not progressing or taking some side roads off the path of life now and again. Most importantly I know I can get out of a black hole should I ever find myself there again and I know that the better I understand myself the less deep that black hole will be.

The way I see it now, is learning about yourself just prepares you so much better for the day something does go awry in your life and you are left with your emotions. And that day will come for all of us at some point so it’s best to be as prepared as possible, so you have the best tools for survival.

The second lesson I’d like to share with you was also life changing for me and it’s from the wonderful teacher that is Brene Brown. Once I discovered this lady I sought out and soaked up her knowledge with such a thirst. She has so many interesting things to say but this particular lesson changed my life on a daily basis.

She speaks about whether you or I believe people are doing the best they can. My mind instantly swam with the names of people I thought could do better, my frustration with these names had grown over the years because they’d let me down, but I also thought they were letting themselves down. I have extremely high expectations of myself, but also of other people and I believe they were letting their talent go to waste and not using their full potential.

Brene goes onto speak about how your feelings would change if you knew that in fact these people were doing the very best they can. So, you have to imagine all the times you thought that person wasn’t fulfilling their potential or to being a good person - then think that this is literally the best they can do right now. Maybe there are other factors happening in their life which means they can only give that task or action a percentage of their time, their desire or their emotional capacity.

Once you wrap your head around it you can start to give support without feeling disappointment or judgement. It takes practise and I still watch the video regularly after feeling frustrated with somebody who I’m not sure is doing the best they can. It centres me and it allows me to turn annoyance into something more helpful.

This clip will explain it much better than I ever could, I promise it’s worth watching and will change the way you think about things forever - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5TkA7d7eTw

My third and final lesson I want to share with you today can be frustrating because you only ever really hear it when you feel you are on a downward slope and it’s hard to take in when you are in that frame of mind. Essentially, it’s a version of ‘everything works out in the end’. I know you’re probably thinking that is a cop out and such a lame lesson to include but perhaps digging a little deeper will help you understand why I have included this.

Sometimes when something doesn’t go to plan, you can feel as if you’ve failed or fallen short of whichever goal you were running towards. The truth is that very often an even better opportunity is waiting to present itself to you. Your plan or goals were too small, and you deserved more.

Sometimes though, you haven’t reached that better experience or opportunity and you’re not sure if you even will. Well, this is where you learn new lessons and meet new people which eventually lead to bigger and better things.

To bring this full circle, hindsight is a wonderful thing and it can be very hard to remember this when you find out that things aren’t going to work out as you planned them but, have faith and look for the light in every situation.