Being called a ‘pussy’ should be seen as a compliment

I met Femilola around 9 years ago and at once struck up a friendship. I remember being impressed with her tenacity, ambition and her strong will to stand up what for she believed in – no matter what the situation, and often to a big group of men, two of which later turned out to be our respective husbands and their friends.

Femilola is a working professional, who is married with two small children (she felt it important to her story that they were described in that order - yes, that’s a clue about how awesome she is). Femilola is Nigerian but has lived in the UK for the last 20 years, which is now more than the time she lived in Nigeria.

Femilola has so many great opinions that I wanted to share with the Sunday Luxe audience, but we weren’t sure how to weave them into a coherent story, so we started where so many great conversations start – feminism.

How did you discover feminism and what sparked your interest?

I’ve always been a feminist, but I used to be ashamed to say it out loud. I think the reason is that there’s a misconception out there that, to be a feminist you must hate men. There’s a negative connotation that comes with the label.

Growing up my Mum was a strong character in the household, she worked, and she did everything.  When she was younger her father, my grandad said to her that you don’t need to be able to drive as you will someday end up being somebody’s wife.  To prove him wrong, she took his car out when she was 14 (in Nigeria) and taught herself to drive, she has that kind of spirit.

Whilst in high school it became apparent that a lot of the girls only ambition was to get married and have kids but I felt that there was more to life than this.

I wanted to get my education, get a great job, buy my own place and if the right man came along to enjoy life with, then that would be a bonus.

I really found my feminist voice about 18 months ago when I discovered the podcast The Guilty Feminist and then I started listening to another podcast – Faith and Equality. I’m a Christian and I felt that all the teachings in church solely focused a lot of time on all the great things that men had done in the bible, so when I listened to the Faith and Equality podcast it really resonated as to why a lot of Christian women struggle to identify themselves as feminists.  Often the teachings focus on the needs of wives being submissive to their husbands but if you read just a little further on to the next verse in the bible it also says that husbands need to be submissive (or serve or love depending on the translation) to their wives.

In the last year I have been proud to say out loud that I am a feminist. And I don’t hate men! I have a lovely husband and son and I want them to be pro-women and for them to stand up for equality.

For my children I would encourage them to pursue hobbies that don’t conform to a stereotype or the traditional roles of men and women. If my son aspires to be a midwife that would be amazing and if my daughter wants to be a professional rugby player that would be equally amazing.

What was the thinking behind David taking an extended paternity leave with both of your children?

My Dad played a very active role in our upbringing and so growing up, I thought this was the norm. My Dad is a self-employed contractor and in Nigeria, women only get 3 months maternity leave and so he was scheduled his work to ensure that he was present when my mum returned to work.

Although my dad is a ‘traditional’ man he is also a feminist. Financially it didn’t make sense for my mum to return to work as she didn’t earn a lot in comparison to my dad but my dad knew how important it was for her independence and self-worth. 

When I speak to a lot of women it often comes down to who earns more with regards to who becomes the full time carer. There is an expectation in society and some male partners expect their female partners to give up their career. Often there doesn’t even seem to be a conversation.

It’s crazy because going from working professionally to working from home and looking after your children can have such a big emotional and psychological impact.

The other reason we decided on shared parental leave was after reading Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg whilst pregnant. There she talks about the importance of having both parents looking after their children. She had done it with her then husband and highlighted the positive impact it had on their children. I remember turning to David after reading that chapter and said we should do it.

David did not enjoy the first week of parental leave but he soon figured out a routine that worked for him and our son. I never told him what to do as I thought it would be good for him to figure out his own way of looking after our son.

On my return home after my first week back at work, he turned to me and said how much harder childcare was than working.

Before the swap, we hadn’t fully appreciated each other’s roles. We also discussed the emotional toil I felt returning to work and leaving our son. For the first time we saw what it was like in the other persons’ shoes, I feel that this strengthened our relationship so much.

There’s a misconception (by the partner working outside of the home) that when you are a stay at home parent you aren’t doing as much, and  similarly (by the partner who is at home) that when you go to the office you are on a jolly. I feel that this is no longer the case for us now that David and I have experienced both, we can see how hard the other is working and it makes you love and respect each other so much more.

You think you love each other when you first get together or newly married, but I look back now after all we have been through together and realise that that was the least amount of love we had at the beginning. I love and respect my husband more now than I ever did.

How did you hold onto your identity once you had your children? Did that play a part in you wanting to return to work?

For me being a feminist means respecting everyone’s choices. I worked hard to get my degree and to get to where I am in my career and I wasn’t ready to give that up.

I dislike the term ‘working mum’, nobody ever says ‘working dad’. And the mother (or father) that has chosen to be at home is working too! I prefer to use the term ‘working out of home’ and ‘working at home’. Even if you are watching Jeremy Kyle or something equally unappealing, you still need to have one eye on your child. ‘Working at home’ parents just have babies as their colleagues who can’t talk back to them.

I am very fortunate to sit on the leadership team at work which is a great split of men and women. One of the men might mention something about one of his children and the whole room swoons, whereas women mention something, and everybody ignores them or feel that they are moaning.

Another example is that my husband was praised for taking 6 months off to look after our baby whereas I feel that I was just expected to do so.

Sadly we still have a long way to go.

What does feminism mean to you?

I don’t for once believe men and women are the same, no two humans are the same however I believe that men and women should be treated equally and paid equally when performing the same tasks. Both men and women should have the choice to be full time child carers or pursue their careers.

Women should be brave enough to talk to their partners about what they want and not have that choice taken away from them.

I think something that the BLM movement taught us is that it’s not enough to hold your beliefs close to you but to speak out if you see or hear something that isn’t right. How do you try and do this?

I’ve been told that some colleagues think I’m a bit scary because I will call out if someone is telling a discriminatory joke or makes a derogatory comment. However, at this point in my life, it is more important to stand up for what’s right than to be popular or be liked by everyone I meet.

Not that I’m comparing myself to Martin Luther King or Rosa Parks or any of the great civil rights activists but I have to remind myself that in their time, they were not liked either.  

One example of something I call out a lot is the term ‘pussy’ – how dare people use that as a derogatory term, it is the most incredible organ that has literally pushed another human into this world. Being called a ‘pussy’ should be seen as a compliment.

How does it usually go down when you call people out?

Sometimes not great but now it’s more important for me to do what is right. It doesn’t really get any easier the more you do it.

The split of women vs men leadership is still very off, especially ethnic minorities. Do you think there is more leaders can be doing to create an equal workspace?

If I get into a senior position at work, I feel that I have to work 10 x harder because every other black woman will be judged on what I do. When there is a terrorist attack, my sisters and I pray that the terrorist isn’t black or brown because we know that we will be judged based on the act of this person.

There also seems to be an expectation that you have to be sweet as a woman, whereas men are described as assertive, women displaying the same behaviour are described as being too pushy or bossy.

There is a saying that women have to change themselves once they get into positions of power. Especially black women, it’s almost like we have a version at work, a version for our friends, a version at home and have a different wig for each.

Do you feel like the world is moving in the right direction with regards to equality?

I do yes.

What does success mean to you?

For me, if I can wake up in my 90s and I can say to myself that I tried, then that’s enough for me. Not earning a certain amount of money but the differences I can make. I look up to so many women in history that have done so many amazing things but even if I impact one person’s life in doing the right thing then that’s enough for me. Even if that person is my child.

I hope my children don’t have the same anxiety or fear I have felt for speaking out for what’s right.

Femilola’s tips for practising equality and feminism:

-        Follow people on social media whose views you do not share. It can be frustrating at times but it’s important to understand other people’s point of view. Few people are evil and different opinions and ways of life come via different upbringings, education, etc.

-        These podcasts are also amazing The guilty feminist, Faith and equality , Happy place, Leadership conversations with Nicky Gumbel, This city with Clara Amfo and The Reggie yates podcast .