How this year has re-framed my idea of success

Written by guest blogger Des Shoe

Des Shoe is a homescreen editor for The New York Times, and when she’s not working, she’s writing, cooking, reading, playing video games and spending time with her husband and son. She kindly agreed to be interviewed for our Sunday Luxe blog series about how her year has been affected, the toll working in the news can take and how she has kept up hope throughout it all.

What are the pressures you’ve felt this year? 

Where to begin? 2020 has been a year, a heart wrenching, gut-punch of a year that nonetheless has had its sprinkling of special moments. My maternity leave ended in April, right as the country was settling into lockdown. I set up a little home office on a lovely antique desk my husband had gotten me for my birthday (which I subsequently never used because it looked so pretty.) I’ve been sitting on a very non-ergonomic kitchen chair that doesn’t quite fit my desk. At first, the situation seemed somewhat novel (No commute! Extra sleeping time! Home-cooked lunch!), but after a while, like many, many other people, I’ve found that separating work life from home life can be a challenge. 

We have a toddler, and my husband was flexible enough to shoulder the majority of childcare this year. Without him, I have no idea how we’d be managing. It’s been an experience keeping an active, curious toddler entertained when you can’t really leave the house and go to play groups or see friends like we used to, but my husband has risen to the challenge in a wonderful, and frankly inspiring, way. The pressure of trying to keep it all together has been intense, but our family has grown through it. 

From a work perspective, 2020’s news has been devastating and upsetting. The coronavirus has made a global impact like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I know a lot of people who have stopped watching or listening to the news for obvious reasons. While of course I can’t do that, I’ve found it doubly important this year to be able to step away from my computer at the day’s end and try to focus on something different — ideally something optimistic or diverting. I’ve found cooking to be really soothing this year (I am a terrible baker, however.) Often just getting a hug and a kiss from my kid is enough. 

As a news journalist / editor, how do you (and how do you advise others) to have a good relationship with the news and media in a time that can be extremely overwhelming?

 This is a tricky one because I can't exactly turn away from the news. I read every bit of it every morning, and I process it in my own way, in my own time. Journalists do reckon with mental health issues and PTSD over certain spheres of coverage, and that's nothing new. This year has just likely intensified it for many more people. 

 For our readers (and for journalists!), I believe in the importance of a balanced news diet. Yes, you should be aware of what's happening in our world. It's an important duty, to be aware. But you can balance that with beautiful writing about books and film and art, with evocative travel pieces, with features on a poet or scientist, with food coverage, with stories about people coming together to find joy in small things, and the power of daydreaming. The world is filled with beautiful places, fascinating things and truly special people, and we write about them. For every tragic story, there is a story about the wonder and beauty of the world, and a story about someone trying to do better for it.

Do you have any tips for people working from home? 

I’m happiest when I’m able to break up the work day and avoid sitting in one spot for hours on end. I try to take small 30-minute breaks when I can, and during these breaks I’ll eat lunch with my family or have a quick yoga session to get my muscles moving. Sometimes I go for a short walk to fetch a coffee or just get out of the house. I’m definitely not 100 percent on taking my own advice and there are busy days where I find I’ve not moved from my desk in hours, which is bad. What really helps is being cosy while I’m working. I’ll light a nice scented candle, enjoy my coffee and make sure my space is tidy and clean. 

My biggest tip is that when work is over, I take at least another half-hour to “switch off” and have some time to myself, to get my brain to shift from work-mode to home-mode. I’ll go for a little walk and listen to music, or sit and read a chapter of a book. Whatever I do, I find it important to get away from my office nook, and try to find another room or spot to spend time in. After my post-work “cooldown,” I’ll start making dinner or play with my son. 

I try to set a firm line that when work is over, it’s over for the rest of the day. I do not check emails after I log off unless absolutely necessary. 

Is there anything we should be doing to raise awareness of loneliness and mental health during this time? 

Mental health is a huge consideration right now. I have to keep telling myself that we are living through a pandemic, through an extraordinary time of sorrow and tragedy, and that it’s okay to feel low. It’s okay to grieve what we’ve lost. There’s a lot of pressure on people now to somehow better themselves during this time spent at home, and my message is that it’s okay if you just sit and watch TV, or if you simply do nothing at all. Just coping in this era is good enough. I keep looking ahead to the day where life will resume some semblance of normalcy, but in the meantime, getting by from day to day is all we can ask, and that is fine. 

My American family hasn’t seen my son in over a year because of the coronavirus. It’s upsetting for everyone involved, and I’ve found myself grieving the fact that they’ve missed him growing from a chubby baby to a little boy. But my family’s safety is the most important, and our safety, and the safety of everyone we’d encounter while traveling, and the risks simply are not worth it. One day, we’ll meet again when things are safer, and when we do, it will be even more joyous because of what we’ve survived. And in the meantime, I try to keep everyone updated with texts and calls. My son has become very phone savvy and loves FaceTime calls.  

Loneliness is an epidemic as well in 2020, and it’s imperative that we check in on each other and try to stay connected as much as possible with the people who have had to be alone throughout lockdowns and restrictions. Humans are social creatures, and loneliness is a terrible thing. It’s so important to make sure that even if people are physically alone in this time, that they are not alone in thought and love. 

How have personal relationships helped you over the past year? 

I wouldn’t have gotten by without my husband, my son, and my friends and family. The shared feeling of “we’re going to get through this” has helped me tremendously, and all of us have been very open about our feelings of trauma and grief, in Zoom calls and group chats and socially-distanced meetups. The only way to cope with these feelings is to talk about them. There is healing in shared grief. I’ve had quite a few moments where I’ve just needed to cry. I think that what happened in 2020 will take a long time for everyone to process emotionally and we should be open to allowing those emotions to take place without judgment.

What does success mean to you? 

If anything, this year has reframed my idea of success. To me, success is living a balanced, happy life. My career has its place in my definition of success, but it’s not the primary place. My relationships come first, and my ultimate happiness comes from a place of deep appreciation for the people in my life. 

With the pandemic and as a result, a much more isolated life stretching on, have you always kept up hope?

I've kept up hope, but I try to be realistic too. 2021 is not going to magically erase the trauma of 2020. I know that everything isn't going to return to normal in an instant. Managing my expectations about that has helped a lot. Taking things one day at a time has been the best way for me to move forward. 

Has the last year of living and working in the pandemic made you ask any larger questions about changes you want to make to your life or what more you want?

Balancing work and home life has always been the key. I work very hard. I also believe it's crucial to turn away from work when it's finished for the day and focus on family, friends and hobbies that just make you happy, or help give you peace. If anything, the last year has solidified the importance of maintaining a healthy distinction between all of these things. And above all, it's shown me how precious life is, and how important it is to get joy and fulfilment from your life in small and meaningful ways. Sometimes that means re-prioritising, and that process is different for everyone.